If only there were a pill to ease the pain of listening to Rush Limbaugh
Following a recent Florida Supreme Court ruling allowing Palm Beach County prosecutors access to Rush Limbaugh's medical records, the conservative talk radio host has finally come clean with the truth about his drug use. While Limbaugh has previously claimed that he took the heavy-duty painkiller OxyContin because of chronic debilitating pain resulting from back surgery, he is now admitting that he needs the powerful drug, which was originally developed as an elephant tranquilizer, because he suffers from chronic debilitating hypocrisy resulting from a severe neurological disorder.
Limbaugh confessed on his radio program this morning that for years he has suffered from a condition called Autonomic Hypertrophic Hypocrisy, or Hypercrisy for short. Though the medical community is only now discovering the prevalence and effects of the disorder, doctors say that while Hypercrisy is not fatal, it is nevertheless a very serious condition.
"I think Mr. Limbaugh is very brave to come out with this," says Dr. Emil Banhof, a renowned neuropsychological who has been studying Hypercrisy at Harvard Medical School. "We're just now beginning to scratch the surface in terms of diagnosis and treatment, but we can already see that Hypercrisy is not as rare as we first thought."
According to Dr. Banhof, one of the reasons the disorder has perhaps been underdiagnosed is because Hypercrisy sufferers never detect the illness themselves.
"That's what is so difficult for people afflicted with Hypercrisy," Dr. Banhof laments, "like Alzheimer's, the individual is always totally unaware of his or her condition. That's the very essence of the disorder itself--the Hypercrisy sufferer is utterly incapable of recognizing how absurdly hypocritical, or Hypercritical, they truly are."
Ironically, Limbaugh may have been fortunate in that his case is so severe that doctors were easily able to determine that the right-wing pundit wasn't actually just some ridiculous, blustering lunatic completely incognizant of being a hypocritical horse's ass, but actually the victim of a severe neurological disorder.
"Often Hypercrisy is extremely difficult to diagnose with certainty," says Dr. Banhof, "but with Mr. Limbaugh I imagine it must have been rather obvious. If a trained neuropsychologist, or perhaps even a layman, were to listen to but a few mere minutes of Mr. Limbaugh's radio program, it would be quite easy to determine that he suffers from Hypercrisy. I mean I think it's a near medical impossibility that someone could actually be such a two-faced, sanctimonious Nazi windbag. Really, the man would simply have to be evil."
Another reason that Hypercrisy can be difficult to diagnose is because nearly everyone suffers to some degree from a much lesser form of ordinary, run-of-the-mill hypocrisy.
"We all are hypocrites sometimes; we don't always practice what we preach," says Dr. Banhof, "but the Hypercrite is another thing altogether. Someone who suffers from such a severe case of Hypercrisy as Mr. Limbaugh does is capable of heartlessly haranguing others in the most outrageously self-righteous manner while at the same time indulging in the very same behavior, or possibly even worse, of those he or she is so mercilessly vilifying."
"For example, if Mr. Limbaugh, who suffers from drug addiction himself, were to openly castigate less affluent drug addicts, labeling them as mere irresponsible junkies, and perhaps even espouse a philosophy of imposing long prison sentences for fellow substance abusers while simultaneously using his vast wealth to hire a high-priced lawyer to attempt every legal obfuscation imaginable to ensure that he spends not even half of a nanosecond behind bars, now that would be Hypercrisy."
Other telltale symptoms of acute Hypercrisy cited by Dr. Banhof include relentlessly pontificating on the sanctity of marriage despite being divorced three times; incessantly clucking about the importance of moral and religious values and simply using pithy but ultimately meaningless phrases like, let's say, promoting a culture of life, while at the same having no problem whatsoever with indiscriminately bombing the bejesus out of innocent civilians or perhaps executing retarded people; and rabidly spewing an ideology of savage bellicosity and promoting cruel and unnecessary wars in spite of having once evaded military service during wartime because of arguably the most cowardly and indeed laughable excuse ever put before a draft board, anal cysts.
Those most likely to suffer from Hypercrisy, according to Dr. Banhof, seem to belong to certain professions, most notably politicians, political pundits and religious leaders. Furthermore, recent medical studies on Hypercrisy indicate that politicians who are also very religious are extremely prone to developing severe Hypercrisy, and conversely, religious leaders who are deeply involved in politics also tend to be seriously afflicted with the disorder.
"If an individual had enormous political power and were also a religious fundamentalist," Dr. Banhof muses, "or if an influential religious fundamentalist were capable of exercising great political power, well, that person might very well be the ultimate case study for the disorder, sort of the Elephant Man of Hypercrisy, if you will. But thank goodness such a person does not exist of course--we would all be in serious trouble if he did."
As for treatment, Dr. Banhof says there are many new drugs and therapies being researched. While large doses of OxyContin can be moderately effective in reducing the severity of Hypercrisy by depressing the central nervous system and thus shutting off the brain enough to prevent the Hypercrite from suffering a prolonged attack of pathological logorrhea--feverishly ranting like an insufferable jackass--the potential side effects of OxyContin are obviously quite serious considering studies have shown that a mere handful of the drug is sufficient to KO a rhinoceros. Dr. Banhof prefers cognitive-behavioral therapy in conjunction with an intensive daily regiment of electroshock therapy.
"I wish I could say we have a magic pill that could cure Hypercrisy," sighs Dr. Banhof, "but I'm afraid right now the best therapy is electroshock and more electroshock. You just keep jacking up the volts until the diatribe stops and the drooling begins. I know it sounds barbaric, but try actually listening to Rush Limbaugh for a while and I guarantee you'll be reaching for the electrodes in less than five minutes."
If you know someone who you think may be suffering from Hypercrisy--because they surely won't--it is vital that you get them medical treatment as soon as possible. If untreated the condition will only worsen, and your loved one or friend could become a pompous neo-fascist blowhard with his own radio program and lunatic fan base of devoted listeners who moronically ditto every word that oozes from his chemically imbalanced brain.
And even if it's not a loved one or a friend, but a complete stranger who sounds at all like Rush Limbaugh, even slightly or momentarily, or someone who even listens to Rush Limbaugh for any reason other than utter masochism, please, grab your Taser and ease their pain, and yours.
Do it for them. Do it for you. If nothing else, do it for fun. You know you want to...just do it...
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